Well I think I'm starting to figure out this whole blog thing (I think)!. LOL
I want to say first that this blog is not inteneded to offend or hurt anyones feelings, simply to tell "My Truth" and how I got to this dark dark place I am now pulling myself out of.
I think to understand how I became this person I'm now fighting to shed "me" we have to start at the beginging, the very begining.
Long ago, lol ok not that far back... Ha ha ahh this sounds goofy! No seriously as long as I could remember I was always "bigger boned" especially if compared to my fragile sister. I always thought I should have been a boy since I loved sports and animals and dirt . LOL My mom always said "I don't need a boy I have a Tom Boy"!
During this time my dad wasn't in the picture and my mom over the years remarried ( a couple times) so I sorta felt like I couldn't be fragile and careless. I felt the need to help hold things together if you will. I remeber how I liked to make others laugh because there was always a lot of stress in our finacially strained home. My mom was the person I 'd do anything to make laugh, most of the time it worked I made her laugh and I'd get out of trouble, ta da just like that! There were a lot of dark moments growing up to the point I trained myself how to block things out and start realizing my happiness in food.
{Pause... I can't believe Im typing this....}
Again this is "My Truth" and want exactly that said.
So fast forward a little bit I started to be a little chubby (AND) big boned through out elementary school and junior high. What a fricken joy that was because you know how kind kids are!! However my sense of humor kept me surrounded by good people and out of most negative attention. I had this quick wit and a way to pull laughter out of others since that's what I wanted most out of my life and it seemed to be lacking in my own. I was in every sport you could think of except basketball since I sucked at that, well and the coach was crazy!! LOL But I ate bad!! I remember always finding money for candy bars and slurpee's when my mom wasnt't around.
Soon came high school and something in me changed. I started eating better and doing more. I got very involed in barrel racing and riding my horse Libery. I spent up to 3 hours a day with her everyday after school and 4-6 hours with her on weeekends. She was my best friend, my therapist, my pet, my sibling ( I always wanted to be a horse). I became aware of how certain foods made me feel better and stronger. I wanted to be strong (physically & mentally) as that was a side of me I could identify with. Plus I always wanted to run and jump on my horse with out the help of a step or saddle. I soon was able to do this and felt so completley strong. I felt cool!! My life at this point began to sail at a peaceful happy pace. Life was good, really good.
Then the storm hit and another hit and another hit!
First Liberty suddenly died, without any explanation or reason at the age of 8yrs!! Then My love (now husband) moved away to a private college. I started feeling like I lost everything well atleast at the time I thought so!.. And then my mom at the age of 40 ( the year I graduated high school) was diagnosed with breast cancer!! And 6 months later I break my leg!!
So I start feeling like Im getting kicked in the gut over and over. I became happy with food and the idea of "not caring". My happiness was now gone, a cloud hung over me! I couldn't control anything!! BUT FOOD that is!. So I stopped eating!!! I literally ate only half a sandwich every 2 or three days and never exercised! My days were a huge blur! Days faded into weeks. That little food distroyed me. It made me so tired and I constantly got headaches but everyone kept saying how great I looked ( they didnt see the destruction happening inside). But the main reason as to why I did it was CONTROL! I couldnt rid my mom of her cancer or the clumps of hair that fell from her head or the fact that Dennis was 6 hours away and Liberty was gone!!
My mom truley fought her cancer and I avoided it! A regret I'll live with for the rest of my life. I should have been to every appointment with her and truley "there" for her. But as life is we have jobs, we work have two days off, play and start the work week all over again!.. Life just got away with me.
By now I'm pregnant with my first child (Taylor) and holy crap did my body hold on to Every calorie! I know darn well its because of how I mistreated it a few years earlier (as mentioned above). I could literally out eat my husband 2 times over and always cleaned his plate too! I gained 78lbs but had a healthy 8 pound.11oz (2week early) baby girl. Life wasn't about my weight anymore it was about Taylor, this amazing beautiful sweet baby girl! As soon as she was born I knew I wanted to be a good role model for her and be inshape. I was doing really well with my weight then my mom's cancer dratically spread, to her brain ( found this out near my 27th bday). Once again my world stopped!! We were told she had up to 6mths to live but within the few weeks from hearing this news her situation rapidly changed. Her life was being stolen from her one second at a time in the most horrific painful way. I never want to see anyone suffer like that!! I felt lost and uncapable of controling anything and couldn't bare to eat anything! I was miserable on so many levels. The very last week she was alive I Stopped praying for her to get better, I prayed she would go to heaven sooner! I cried myself to sleep every night and everyday was tears and misery!!
This was one of my lowest moments in my life. My weight dropped and dropped.
A few years later I became pregnant with my second daughter Samantha. I didn't want to gain 78 lbs like I had with Taylor's pregnancy, I only gained 31 pounds with Sami. I felt happiness re-entering my life once again. And before I knew it when sweet Sami was 4-1/2 mths old I became pregnant with my third child Tanner. That's when I threw the cards up in the air with my food! I gave into every single craving and holy cow I gained and Gained and GAINED!! Tanner is now 3 years old and I had lost 51 lbs but it stopped there and I was going up 10 lbs and down 10 lbs!! So I was always stuck!!
Then something in me changed this year. I knew if I stayed this outta shape I wasn't setting a good example for my kids and I was increasing my odds of getting cancer or other health concerns associated with weight. Not to mention being misearble physically mentally!! So after selling our home and relocating back here I made the desicion to change!
I started logging all my food and staying within 1250-1400 calories. I started using a app on my iPhone called my fitness pal calorie counter. It was free and tracks everything (food, exercise, progress) and will tell you what you'll weigh in 5 wks based on each day. I then started walking and horse back riding. I noticed how good I felt and wanted more results!! I soon googled "how to loose 3 lbs a week". I found a lot of great information on better foods and how much exercise I should do to achieve my results. I also learned about t my heart rate to burn fat and if I push it too high it burns muscle! I didnt wanna loose any muscle that was for sure!! Just hte layers upon layers of fat!!
The more I googled the more I realized it all plays a part of the equation!!
A few Rules I learned:
1. You need Calories to burn Calories!!!!!!
2. Hydrate, water water 8 cups a day or more..
3. Quality in your Calories ( not Starbucks, Sugars, Candy, Chips & Crap)
4. For my height 5'6" too loose weight (for my goals) I needed to limit my calories to 1250-1350
5. I needed to do a minimum of 45 minutes of Cardio 6 times a week and keep my heart rate between -125-155 to burn fat!
6. I need to weight train 3-4 times a week to build muscle which speeds the metabloism and "reshape my body" you see if you only do cardio your just gonna make yourself a smaller version- not a fit one.
7. Always eat breakfast and better to spread your food consumption evenly over the day not all
at 1 or 2 meals.
8. Don't go below 1200 calories as this slows your metabloism which means your body holds onto what you eat more!!
9. Consitency IS KEY!!!!
So that's it from the begining, well in a nutt shell that is!
With the help of my very supportive husband and a couple friends I've found my self in these past few months since loosing 32 lbs and -25 inches. I've had days of fury when I wanna quit because my body decides nope not loosing anymore!! my longest platue was 5 wks and that SUCKED!! I worked my butt off and with consitency I broke throught that platue and gained Control over my mind and body!! Once I started to feel like a turtle coming out of their shell I started sharing my progress on FaceBook and the reaction were genuinlly heart stopping!. I wasn't and still am not in belief that Ive inspired others to take back their lives and get fit and healthy!! It's an amazing feeling to create a possitive reaction in others. It's like making someone laugh, it's hard to explain how good It feels!!
-Tanya
April 2012
